Back to school

It's that time of year again...the start of a new school year!  I love this time of year!  I need someone to give structure to my life.  As much as I love summertime and sleeping in and just being plain lazy, I am ready for a schedule.  

This new year means that not only do I get a new group of kids and parents to minister to but my children are a year older.  Kori Kate will be in the 3rd grade!  It just amazes me at how quickly she is growing and changing.  She'll always be my baby, but to look at her...she's a girl...a beautiful, sweet, smart little girl.

And Bailey?  Well, this year brings another blessing in that I get to have Bailey in my class since she will be in the 5th grade!  Her last year in elementary school!  It blows my mind!  She's like a little adult - very smart and observant, such a good friend, wise beyond her years, yet still a silly little girl who loves to play and giggle with the best!

I pray that God will equip me to equip these children and that He will grow my girls into strong women who long to be close to Him!

Update

It has been awhile since I've written anything.  Every time I sit down to write, I think that I really need to move on and write about something else other than Angela, but that's just what is still heavy on my heart.  

I am finding joy more now - joy I thought would never come.  God is doing incredible things in my life and in the life of my family.  You know what?  Angela has had a big part in that - God is so good and is still using her!  

I have always found comfort in music - songs are incredible tools to bring back memories or give me that extra bit of courage I need to keep on keeping on.  I also really like feel-good tv shows like 7th Heaven.  The other day I was watching an episode and Lucy sang this song that was SO what I was feeling, so I googled it (gotta love Google!) and found the lyrics.  Maybe if you have lost someone you love, this song will speak to your heart like it did mine.

Angel by Beverly Mitchell

Have you ever met an angel

Whose smile is like the sun

Whose laugh is like a melody

That reaches everyone

Have you ever hugged an angel

Swept up in their embrace

And swear there's nothing in this world

That makes you feel that safe

(Chorus)

Have you ever really loved an angel

Once you have you'll never be the same again

Have you ever had to let go of an angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly, my angel, my best friend

Have you felt the strength of an angel

When you need it the most

Lifted by those gentle wings 

You know you're not alone

Every now and then I feel the peace inside

Wherever life may take me, I'm guided by that light

Have you ever really loved an angel

Once you have you'll never be the same again

Have you ever had to let go of an angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly, my angel, my best friend

Cause I have really loved an angel

How could I ever be the same

Cause I have had to let go of my angel

Say goodbye, let 'em fly, my angel, my best friend.

Happy Day

Today was just a great day in church!  I am so thankful that God has led us to Connect - it has been such a wonderful place for healing for both Scott and I.  Today was no exception.  The worship was incredible and the message applicable - the service ended with the song O, Happy Day - which is the song that closed out Angela's funeral.  The same guy that sang at her funeral sang today, and he is just incredible!  Yes, there were tears, but behind those tears was joy knowing that she is worshiping our Lord and that every day is a happy day for her.  

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am so blessed to BE a mom and have two of the most beautiful (both inside and out) girls!  They are so much fun to watch!  I am thankful that God has allowed me to teach at the same school that they attend - it is such a blessing to not only work at the best school in the world - but to get to see my kids all day long!  What more could I ask for?

As thankful as I am to have my family with me, I also have such a deep sadness knowing that Angela is not here to celebrate this day with her family.  She was such a great mom!  I pray that God will give her girls something really special tomorrow to bring joy to their day - a joy that reminds them of their mom and how very much she loved them!

Change

Change seems to be something that is happening a lot in my life lately.  Change can be good, but it can also be very difficult.  God never changes, which is the one thing that is comforting to me right now.  My marriage is another thing that brings me great comfort - knowing that through good times and bad we are in this thing called life together!  I am truly blessed!  And finally, my friends give me great comfort during hard times.  I've been feeling quite sorry for myself lately because the one friend I would turn to right now is no longer here, and it has left me feeling very lonely and empty.  However, God is showing me through this time that I have to learn to lean on other friends and that ultimately Scott and I must lean on Him.  

We'll get through this trial, and we'll be stronger for it!  I am in awe of all that God has brought us through so far, and have faith that He will do it again!

Relay for Life

Friday night I did probably the best thing so far to help my heart to heal.  I participated in the Relay for Life and walked in honor of Angela.  I went with my good friend, Meredith.  The whole night was just amazing...emotional...memorable...special...uplifting...healing...I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  Meredith and I went together to talk about Angela and share our memories of her.  She was very close to their family - lilke another daughter to them - the girls' babysitter since the youngest was just a baby.  We cried, walked, shared, and best of all laughed!  They played a lot of 80's music as we were walking - I couldn't help but think of how much fun Angela and I would've had singing along.  This is definitely something that will be a part of my life from now on.  

I pray that through events like this that we can raise enough money to find a cure for this horrible disease so that other children, husbands, wives, and best friends don't have to go through this much pain.  Cancer touches us all in one way or another.  I don't know if I knew anyone with cancer when I was a young child, but my children know a dozen people who either have it or have died trying to fight it.  I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me.  It terrifies me!  That's why I think that events like this are so important - not just to remember those who have fought and won or have fought and lost but also to make us all aware of how fragile life really is.  Live each day to its fullest!

Live...Laugh...Love

Something Cool!

I read something in this book that I'm reading that I have never thought of before.  In Psalm 6:8-9, it says, "Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping.  The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer."  In the Message, it says, "At last the Lord has heard my sobs..."  I'm a pretty simple person.  I accept things just the way they are and don't question much.  My faith is simple - I like it that way.  So, it shouldn't surprise me that I had never thought of this before - God hears our tears and they become our prayers!  Wow!  I just LOVE that!  I have shed many tears in the past two and a half months.  There were times where I felt badly for not praying more than I was, but to know that my tears were heard by God...He knows my heart, of course, so why wouldn't He know my tears?

Good day

Church was just really awesome today.  Scott and I visited a new church while the girls were at church with friends.  It was the first time in a long time the we both really enjoyed church together.  Worship was awesome - the people were so welcoming - the message was challenging.  It was such a gift from God.

Our God is such an incredible God!  I can't imagine someone going through the loss of someone they love without the knowledge that they are now in Heaven worshipping a great and glorious God!  Throughout this whole process - I have never gotten mad at God - although I know that He would understand.  I have questioned Him - definitely, but I realize that that, too is OK.  Even Jesus, on the cross, questioned God by asking, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Even in my questioning, I know that I may never have an answer that will satisfy my earthly heart and mind, but I DO know that the God I serve is bigger than any hurt or question I may have - and in that, I find peace.

What can you learn during an elementary chapel?

Let me tell you....today was one of those days that the tears came without warning.  Sometimes I just don't know what sets me off.  I wish I did so that I could be prepared or avoid it at least.  Anyway, I started the morning with tears right as the bell was ringing, so I ducked in the principal's office to compose myself.  I got it together enough to go to class and give a spelling test.  Then came chapel...a friend asked if I was Ok - here they came again....I had to leave.  I went upstairs and got it together again.  I went back down to chapel.  I came back in just as Kayla was beginning her talk to the kids.  Today's lesson was SO just for me!  Isn't God good?  Using a message meant for 8-11 year olds to speak directly to me.  Hmmmm....I wonder if that means anything.  Nah!  Surely not!  Anyway....the point of the message was that God wants to make us strong so that we will be more useful to Him.  We have to let Him make us strong, though.  I SO need Him to make me strong, and I SO want to be more useful to Him.  After chapel, I felt strong for the first time in a long time.  I felt like I could do this!  I lay here tonight not feeling quite as strong as I did earlier, but feeling like it's not hopeless anymore.  

Thank you God for using a simple message to encourage my heart and help me see the light!

A New Day

I'm starting to feel like I can do this.  I've wondered how I will move forward without Angela.  I now realize that I don't have to do it without her.  I have her spirit with me - I have my memories of her with me.  Of course, I would rather have HER with me, but these things I do have are gifts that I will cherish always.  I have a wonderful family, incredible friends, and get to teach some of the best kids in the world!  I will move forward with God's help just the way Angela would want me to.  The journey will be long and slow, but no doubt, it will be a life-changing one!  

Psalm 102:1-9

Hear my prayer, O Lord,

let my cry for help come to you.

Don not hide your face from me

when I am in distress.

Turn your ear to me;

when I call, answer me quickly.

For my days vanish like smoke;

my bones burn like glowing embers.

My heart is blighted and withered like grass;

I forget to eat my food.

Because of my loud groaning

I am reduced to skin and bones.

I am like a desert owl,

like an owl among the ruins.

I lie awake; I have become

like a bird alone on a roof.

All day long my enemies taunt me;

those who rail against me use my name as a curse.

For I eat ashes as my food and mingle my drink with tears.

Quiet Time

Here is an excerpt from my quiet time this morning.  It is from Max Lucado's Safe in the Shephard's Arms.

"It is hard for you to see the City (Heaven) in the midst of the storms.  the desire to pull over to the side of the road and get out entices you.  You want to go on, but some days the road seems so long."

"Remember this:  God never said that the journey would be easy, but he did say that the arrival would be worthwhile.  He may not do what you want, but he will do what is right...and best.  He's the Father of forward motion.  Trust him.  He will get you home.  And the trials of the trip will be lost in the joys of the feast."

I know that Angela is "lost in the joys of the feast" now.  I also know that she would want me to follow our Lord in that "forward motion" that is mentioned in this part of the book.  Right now, God's plan for me is here with my family, teaching my students, and glorifying His name with my life just as she did.  I know that somewhere in this grief is a light - one day I will feel pure joy again - one day I won't hurt so badly - one day....

The healing process

The healing process....I'm not really sure what that entails.  I sure never imagined it would be this difficult.  I find myself crying at times that I can't even explain and angry at things that I should not be angry at.  I get jealous when hearing about friends going to have a bite to eat together or seeing them talk in the halls.  I never knew that I could hurt this much and for this long - I know it has only been a month, but it feels as though the pain will never go away.  

Life has just gone on, but all I want to do is sit and reflect.  I want to remember.  I want her back.  I want to hear her voice again.  I long to hear her laugh!  I imagine her calling me - I check my email and still hope to see one from her.  I know it sounds silly - I just feel like this is all a really bad dream.  I want to wake up and find that my best friend is still here.  I want to wake up and find that the world is the way I remember it.

Another week gone...

Well, it has been three weeks now since we lost Angela.  I'm still expecting to wake up and find that this is all a terrible nightmare!  I still cry every day, but i also laugh...that is what she would want.  I can't change the fact that my heart is broken and I've lost my best friend, but I can commit to do what she did - look for the rainbow.

I want to honor her by living life the way she did - of course, nobody can live life the she did - I've never met anyone with a more positive outlook on life than her.  If I can have just half of that, I think I will make her proud.  

I've never felt so close to her and so far away as I do now.  Every part of my day is filled with thoughts of her.  I want to pick up the phone and call her about 1000 times a day - maybe a few more!  It's weird - there are so many things I want to tell her - little things, funny things, insignificant things - but to tell anyone else just doesn't even sound appealing.  I would never get the kind of response from anyone else as I would her.  She would totally understand just where I was coming from and we would end up laughing.  She could take even the gloomiest day and laugh about something!  What a gift!  I wish I could laugh like she did.  She didn't just chuckle - she laughed hard and loud about everything!  I can hear her now!

I am so thankful to God for giving me this once-in-a-lifetime friendship!

Anyone reading this - I encourage you to invest in people.  Stop working so hard, and spend time with those closest to you.  Tell your friends and family just how much you love them and why they are important to you.  Find that friend that encourages you and lifts you up - and do the same for them!  Life is precious and short!  Live more....Laugh more...and Love more....

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks since Angela passed away - the hardest two weeks of my life.  God is good, though.  He has shown me, through so many people, His unconditional love.  Even when I have been angry - He has just loved me.  I have learned how helping others helps me to heal.  I have learned that Angela is still my best friend and always will be - I just don't have her here with me physically.  I can still do things for her that I would've done before - just now they are for her family.  I can't talk with her, but I can remember her and talk to her through journaling.

I've told her husband, Tom, he will get through this - not over it.  I think that is true.  In getting over something - I feel that you somehow forget.  I don't want to or think God would want me to forget.  When you move through something - you remember and are changed because of your experiences.  That is what I feel.

I think of Scott's dad and how our whole family was changed by his presence - how we still are changed.  He was a strong but quiet leader.  I know that Scott has forever been changed because of the influence of his father which in turn has affected us all.  We are all better for having "Pap" in our lives.

Thank you Lord for bringing us through the fire!

Confusion

Wow!  This year has started off with so much sorrow.  This morning, another friend, the mother of one of Bailey's good friends, died.  How can this be?  I did expect this one - Alison had a long battle with brain cancer.  Single mom - prayer warrior - woman of extreme faith! 

How is all of this going to affect my children?  Does it make death less scary because they are learning to deal with it at a young age and learning how to comfort those who are hurting?  Or does it make them fearful and less secure in that they wonder if myself or Scott may die as well?  I pray that it is the first - it seems as though it is the first.  They are so sweet and concerned for their friends and their families and me.  

They have asked if they could pray with me when they found me crying one night last week.  Wow!  God has blessed me beyond all comprehension with daughters who are so in tune to what God is leading them to do that they would step up and take care of their mommy who is struggling with a great loss.

Thank you Lord for my sweet girls!  Help me to teach them of your love through these tragedies instead of them feeling fearful of loosing one of us.

God never changes

I was reminded tonight during our home group that in the midst of all of the change taking place in my life - that God hasn't and will never change.  That is the one thing that is comforting to me at this time.  My God....the One that Angela is in the presence of tonight....will NEVER change!  

This is not new information to me - it's just good to be reminded of at times like these.  

I miss my best friend, but I also know that I will see her one day - knowing that is such a comfort. Heaven is a sweeter place with her laughter tonight! 

I'm new at this - and I have a broken heart

Ok - this is my first timing blogging.  I enjoy reading others' blogs, so I thought I'd give it a try.  Here I go....

I lost my best friend this week (girl friend - that is).  Angela was the most amazing person you would ever meet.  I feel very lost without her.  We laughed together, cried together, prayed together, and talked about everything together!  I miss her more than I thought possible.

She loved God and gave Him the glory for everything in her life.  She had an amazing testimony - a life full of miracles.  If anyone had the right to complain about their circumstances, it would have been Angela, but she didn't.  She always knew that God had a purpose and a plan for her, and as much as she hated being away from her family whenever she had to be in the hospital, she made sure that everyone she came in contact with knew that her ultimate Physician was Jesus Christ.

I pray that I can have the kind of faith that she had.  I pray that everyone will have the kind of friendship we had at least once in their life.  My life has forever been changed because I was blessed to have Angela in it.

Angela, I miss you and I love you!  Thank you for sharing your life and love with me.  I will never have another friend like you.  I miss the multiple phone calls and text messages between us every day - I miss our long talks by the pool or sitting on the couch - I miss our pizza nights and scrapbooking - I may never finish my scrapbook now that you are gone!  (I can hear you laughing now!)   Who is going to motivate me now?   I will cherish the time we had and promise to watch over your beautiful family while you are gone.  Until we meet again.....I love you!